round one wrap up video

me 2011 00011

another video I made for a 12wbt challenge

My first video I made about my weightloss 1 yr ago

My mini milestone- week 4

So hard for me to keep up with blogging and if I blogged everyday would you believe I was working super hard, working and bringing up a family of 4 boys? I think not, lol, so non blogging means Im out there doing the hard yards to report back when I can (wink).

BUT, tonight I have something super exciting to blog about. It came to me today when doing part of the surprise challenge today. I looked at photos taken while I was training and could not 'see' for myself my weight loss. It made me really depressed :( To me I still look 150kg. I look at photos and my face looks the same just fresher, or less chins. I look at my body and it looks like Im breathing in, no real difference.

To some this might not be strange at all. But I'm 1.2kg off a 50kg loss. I have lost a whole person, almost as much as Michelle Bridges weighs, I have lost. To me I still walk in a room with my stomach and butt leading the way- simultaneously.

Sooo, obviously I cant see it yet but can I feel it? What would it be like to do a workout at my original size. 147.5kg in weight?

Ive decided for my mini milestone in week 4 I am going to do my normal 4km walk with 50kg in a back pack, just like they have done on the biggest loser.

Ive arranged with my gym to do it there. Ill do it on a treadmill with a 2% incline and at a speed of above 5.

Crazy because its gunna hurt, maybe I might do a jog for a minute or two. I plan on pushing myself as much as my knees and back hold up.

So this SHOULD make me realise how much weight I HAVE lost.

Bring it on.

The effects of bullying 25 yrs later

There are a few reasons why I've decided to blog about this. One is because Michelle Bridges was in the Woman's Weekly about being bullied. I struggled to under stand how Michelle and someone as beautiful as Ruby Rose could suffer from bullying and still remember it!! But then, reading their stories, it bought back many memories for me. Memories I try all the time to forget, but memories that still haunt and affect me to this day.

Recently, I received news of an impending reunion. A primary school reunion with people that I went to school with from Kindy to year 6, 5 yrs old to 12 yrs old. Why does it bother me so much?

It bothers me so much because for the last 2 years of primary school- mostly yr 5 and yr 6, I was relentlessly bullied non stop. I was given a nickname "MEGA", at my naive young age I thought that meant something short for Meegan. I didn't understand it meant large.

This is me, I was in year 4, it was just before the beginning of the bullying.

I remember my 12th birthday- the end of yr 6 and the beginning of a realisation that these girls and one boy in particular, were horrible, nasty mean children who had nothing better to do than pick on me. Some of them knew I was having a 12th birthday party and forced me to invite them, they also decided who else would be on the list. My parents took us to a restaurant. My mother went to great lengths to make colouring books and gift bags. The girls on the other hand decided that they would destroy my birthday at all costs. I was warned at school but didn't believe it. During the party they went into the toilets and tried to break things by banging on the towel dispenser and trying to pull things off the wall. My parents were non the wiser, they said the girls were very noisy. I tried to enjoy my birthday knowing they were only there to ruin it.


I loved acting- still do, I was named after a famous actress Megan Williams hehehe. I remember I was in the sound of music musical and was lucky enough to get a lead role in the production, Charlie and the chocolate factory. I also was part of the choir. I even sung in the all school choir at the oprah house. I think if it wasn't for those interests, I would've given up, maybe even in life.


I was so beautiful when I look back in photos. The only person that would tell me that was my dad. But then those last two years began and the hell I endured commenced and got worse.


You see, I was sick, I was always sick with extremely unstable asthma. I would spent a few days almost every month other than in summer in hospital. I knew my medical records number off by heart and I had lots of volumes in those records with hundreds of admissions. I was so sick that I was started on adult doses of steroids, steroids that made me gain weight, and gain weight quickly. I don't know if I regret that time in my life because I spent alot of time in hospital and met an amazing friend called Jody, she had CF and was always in hospital too. Compared to me, she was tiny, and while she got smaller, I got bigger. I looked deformed. I think it was then that I stopped caring about myself and how I looked because I was 'sick' and I couldn't help it. Other than Jodie, I only had a handful of friends that were true friends. One of my friends Kylie was so nice. I still remember her birthday party. It was so sad when I found out she was moving to the other side of the country and never seeing her again. My other friends Michelle was amazing. She had this raw beauty about her. She was teased as well. They treated her like crap as they did me. We didn't give a shit about being in the cool group. To get away from the daily ridicules we would work around the oval and eat as far away as we could. I remember at our yr 6 formal. I was waiting for Michelle and my parents came back to tell me Michelle had been hit by a car on the way to the formal, as she was crossing the road out the front of the school. I don't even remember staying at the graduation. I remember crying for my friend. Mum made me have a photo and to this day Ive always hid the photo so no one would see how awful I looked. Michelle lived near me so we hung out alot. I had a handful of other friends but none like Michelle. She was so strong, she would get things thrown at her and in all her strength would not bow her head but keep on walking with her head looking straight on, no allowing these evil girls to even be worth a tear or a downward glance, at least not in public anyway.

This is me at my yr 6 graduation, a few months after my cardiac arrest

This one boy was pure hell for me. He would tease me like you wouldn't believe. If I walked past he would get all the boys and girls near him to make fun of me. I'd have things thrown at me, Id be called names and ridiculed all the way home. There was never any break from this group of 'children' I can still hear their voices in my head with their harsh words.


I'm not going to let them continue to hold emotional dominance over me but even recalling these things, makes me want to break down. The ever lasting effects on me will never leave as much as I hope my MS memory will wipe them away, I have such a clear recollection.


Getting back to this one boy, I shake my head and shutter thinking about him. I would go home and cry. I would beg my mum and dad to do something, send me to boarding school or let me go to another school. I even begged my older brother to take me to school and do something about him. My older brother is 3 yrs older than me so was in yr 8 at high school.


One day, my older brother had the day off school and he did take me to school. I think the angry and protective instincts kicked in big time and we saw this boy. I clearly remember my brother walking straight up to him and asked him 'Are you ____ ____?' The boy answered "yes" and did a smug laugh. My big brother with all his might gave the biggest right hook I have ever seen square in the face of my evil enemy. He fell to the ground and cried and obviously we got the hell our of their and went home. That protective act didn't make me feel better, it didnt make any of the pain I was feeling go away. It just made me feel sorry for him.


You remember the scene in the movie Back to the future when at the end Michael J Fox's character makes sure his parents meet at the prom by king hitting his fathers bully? Well, it just so happens that, the first person to comfort my bully was my 1st evil female bully. I heard they married and had two children but divorced or are separated. I often see her on mutual friends facebook pages and get cold shivers. Ill never accept a friendship request because why should she or any of them have the privilege to be part of my life now. I hope as an adult she realises the damage she did to people back then.



The sad thing about my primary school years I was always sick and on the 20th of April 1987, after going to the movies and watching Police Academy with my brothers, I had an asthma attack that resulted in me going into cardiac arrest and clinically dead. I remember it very well. It was getting cold with winter creeping in and my mother was out the front talking to the neighbours, my brother Nathan was asked to bring in firewood. I went inside feeling that I was starting to get sick and an asthma attack was impending. I saved my energy and didnt get my mother from outside. I started the nebuliser myself and kept on putting more ventolin in because slowly it was getting harder to breathe. I remember my brother yelling for someone to open the front door as he had a handful of wood. I knew jumping off the nebuliser and opening the door would be a big mistake and make me worse, I was only just getting in air. But I did it, I got up walked the few metres to the door and opened it, I said to him 'get mum' its all I could get out. My mum came in and I said 'dying', again all I could get out. She ran and got our neighbour Dawn, she was like a mum to me, her only daughter Tracy was like a sister, she had no siblings and having Tracy so close to me was perfect because I got a sister as well. Most days we would hang out together. Both of them where in the car when they drove it up our driveway and put me in the back to take me to hospital, Tracy was next to me in the back, my mother in the passenger seat and Tracys mum driving. I kept on saying 'dying' and all 3 of them would try and reassure me. I know exactly when I blacked out. We had just pulled up to the hospital emergency department. My mother opened the door and a concerned nurse had a wheelchair right there for me, as I stood up everything went black. I knew I wasnt breathing, the weirdest feeling ever. I could hear my mother say over and over again 'shit shes dead, she's dead, she is dead'. I then remember being on the ceiling, looking down, the light was so bright it was like staring into a fluorescent light really close, I looked away and looked down again and I could see Drs and nurses working on me. I kept on licking my lips because they felt numb. I tried to breath but I couldnt so I thought, stuff it, Im not going to try to breathe anymore. I looked at the light again and saw a slideshow of my very short life. I could see things like memories that were so insignificant its hard to believe someone would make a slideshow up of my life from meaningless events. Events like playing in the backyard with the green, green grass. Sitting with my dad watching TV, looking out the window at the rain and the scent of fresh rain on clean cut grass. I was jolted back to a hospital bed, something in my mouth, a nurse and a doctor taking turns in pumping air into my lungs. I was awake but my eyes were closed. I knew I was near an open door because I was cold. I could feel the coldness on my feet. They were putting me in an ambulance, turns out I was being transferred from Blacktown hospital to Westmead Hospital. I remember the ambulance trip and the doctor and nurse talking about what they were having for lunch and dinner, their work, who they thought was nice or not, even at 11, I still knew what they were saying and Im sure I smurked. I knew when the nurse was pushing the air into me because she was slower than the doctor. I kept on thinking to myself that she was going to slow and I was literally waiting for her to pump air into me, 'come on, do it faster, Im waiting here to breathe'.



I ended up in intensive care at westmead hospital. I had an itchy nose. I tried my hardest to scratch it and every time someone would pull my hand down thinking I would pull the tubes out. I started to try and make some hand signals for a pen and a paper. I was still asleep to them I think. My eyes where closed at least but I was very much awake. I kept it up apparently for a few days by my mothers account. using my hands to minic a pen and paper. Finally it clicked and someone handed me a pen and a paper. I wrote two things. "NOSE" ahhhh how nice to scratch your nose after days of it being itchy lol. I then wrote "SAM" he was my black cabbage patch doll, handmade that santa bought me a few months before. I loved him and he was my friend. He slept on my bed with me. My parents bought him in with me and all I remember is sleeping for the next few days until I came off the life support.



Over 25 yrs later, that same Intensive care room was to be the same room that I would work in as a student midwife. I remembered it and even remembered the placement of my bed, that area was now a sitting area for women., right near the nurses station.



This was how I spent my easter holidays. I dealt with being sick, then came back to school and dealt with the bullying from kids for the rest of my primary school days. I dont have any good memories from that time. I only remember my friend Michelle and another friend Melissa. I enjoyed having as many days off as I could.

I ended up being sent to a different highschool as the bullies. It was a private school as opposed to the public high school the bullies would attend. I was instantly interesting to the other students. I was new, most of them had been in the same class since Kindy, so yr 7 was a chance for new students to come to the school. The bullies became a distant memory. I began to grow and make real, life long friends, the start of truly being able to live.

Unfortunately through high school my asthma was still as bad and I was often in hospital. Lucky for me my real friends cared about me. When I wasnt at school they would write me letters and send cards and tell me all the 'goss' from school. One friend, one of my best friends I met a few months before when we started going to church, Cherie, lived literally 50 metres from the hospital. She would visit me everyday. This year, when I get married, she is my bridesmaid. I dont even know if I consider her my best friend, or if I consider her my sister. She is far more important than just a friend, she is my family.



Another interesting development which was different from my bullying years was boys! Something I had made me appealing to boys. I remember the love of my life through most of highschool, someone who I consider my soulmate just not in this lifetime. He also would visit me in hospital. He would pick roses on the way and give them to me with love letters. I remember I'd keep the roses next to my bed even though they had bugs on them. I still have all those love letters to this day. Something Ill treasure forever, for lots of reasons but a big reason is he restored my faith in boys.


I dont know what happened to most of those girls. Some things have happy endings, some things have painful memories.


Melissa- she passed away when we were in year 7. I remember being at her funeral and seeing this piece of dust dance around near the window with the breeze coming in. I was amazed at how it could suspend in air for so long. I imagined it was Melissa's way of saying she is flying free and happy. She always was happy at school, like she was in her own little world.


Michelle- she changed her name to Paris, not long after highschool. It suits her. It took me a while to get use to. She is an extremely successful make up artist and her name appears on a few well known DVDs. She married an actor and has two children. She still is absolutely stunning, just as I remembered her from 10 yrs old. I now wonder if she knew back then that her life was going to be great and any bullying bounced off her back then, she was immune to their crap.


Kylie- I never knew what happened to her, she moved to Perth and we never saw her again. I have fond memories of her as a really nice girl, one who saw me as a normal kid, not an easy target to be picked on. A few weeks ago she found me, It was unbelievable for her to remember me just as much as I remembered her. Im so excited to say she now lives in Melbourne and has also signed up for the 12wbt with Michelle Bridges. The end of round work out and party will be the first time we have seen each other since yr 5, 10 yrs old. 25 yrs ago. Its amazing that not only facebook but also Michelle bridges could reach out and bring me back in touch with people from my past. Its done that on more than one occasion.

Jody- she had a few dreams, to get married, to have a baby and have a house. She never had a stable home and had an awful upbringing. She did marry, she had a miracle baby, the last on the list was the house. She got really sick and went on the list for a triple transplant. Channel 9 did a program and not only built a house but furnished it as well. She had all her dreams come true. Jody passed away a few years ago after being too ill to remain on the waiting list for a heart, lung and liver transplant. Her little girl would be 15 yrs old now.

The nicer girls from primary school- I am back in contact with them. The bullies? I have no idea.



So now I have finished this blog its time to release me from all the things I have kept hidden and inside, carrying them around with me for all these years. Over 25 yrs.



I forgive all those people who did these things to me, for you did not know what else I was dealing with and for some, life has bought you your own Karma back. I release myself from carrying these feelings with me after this moment on and release myself from any negative feelings towards my past and early school years.



Im now a grown woman, reclaiming the life Im suppose to live. Im a mother and a partner and a friend and these things are important to me.

Day One Week One

What an awesome day to start the 12 weeks off.
Breakfast was yummy and filling, I drank green tea for the very first time and loved it.

I went and did the intermediate gym program and burnt 648 calories!!!!

My total intake for today was 1196 calories.

Soooo, all up I am in a deficit of 1250 for the day- bloody awesome start I reckon!!!!